For some reason, 'death often catches us unaware', as the poet said. We try to make decisions … yet we don't always understand the options. While it might seem the decision simply lies between traditional casketed burial or cremation, either choice is only the beginning. Both options should include a meaningful service and final resting place. That seems basic for traditional burial, but what about cremation? Let's talk…
For some reason, 'death often catches us unaware', as the poet said. We try to make decisions … yet we don't always understand the options. While it might seem the decision simply lies between traditional casketed burial or cremation, either choice is only the beginning. Both options should include a meaningful service and final resting place. That seems basic for traditional burial, but what about cremation? Let's talk…
Ed and I have accumulated more than three and a half decades of helping families pre-plan and post-plan for life's last major event. Debbie has been here for almost half of that time. We've had some interesting conversations about cremation choices. I hope this article answers some of your questions, as we did theirs.
No. 1 – "I know my parents have graves there, but they were cremated. Can we still use their lot?" Certainly! There are several placement options for cremation burial in full-size spaces. Let us sketch it out for you. "Gee, I didn't know we could do that …"
No. 2 - "My brother was cremated. Can we put him near mom and dad?" Absolutely! A family member (blood descendant) can usually be buried at the foot of a parent or grandparent's grave. Is that close enough? If your parents are still living, we can move their spaces so you can have three (or more) together. That way other family members can also be near. We often move spaces so that loved ones can be closer. "Gee, I didn't know we could do that …"
No. 3 – "My parents want cremation. Can mom and dad be in the same grave?" Certainly! Most often, they are interred at the head and foot of a single full-size grave space. We also have specific areas with smaller cremation-size spaces. And, two urns (depending on size) can be placed together in an extra-size cremation vault. "Gee, I didn't know we could do that …"
No. 4 – "Our son was cremated, but his wife kept his ashes. I just want some place in his memory. Can we do that?" Absolutely! A memorial placed with no burial is called a cenotaph. The term dates from ancient Greece and means 'a tomb or monument [placed] to honor a person or group of persons whose remains are elsewhere'. The choices are vast and include several bronze memorial options, garden stones, benches and our new butterflies-in-bronze, to list a few. "Gee, I didn't know we could do that …"
I know how that feels. When my brother died, his wife kept the urn in Massachusetts. I wanted some way to honor his life, so we designed a personal memorial and placed it at the foot of Mom's grave. It has his photo (I've always loved his laughing brown eyes) and a bulldozer, along with his nickname, "Dozer Dan".
No. 5– "Mom wanted to keep Dad's urn, but now she's gone, too. Now I have to decide what to do with them. What can I do?" Obviously, you can choose any of the options we've already listed. In addition, you can select a niche in the Legacy Columbariums (basically, a mausoleum for cremated remains). Depending on size, two urns will fit in a single niche. "Gee, I didn't know we could do that …"
No. 6 – "Dad just wants to be cremated and scattered on the family farm. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. What else can we do?" You're right. First, plan a service of some kind. It can be simple, but you’ll find comfort in sharing. Funerals and cemeteries are for the LIVING, not the deceased. It's our opportunity to hug and cry, to remember and laugh, to feel sorrow and loss.
Next, scattering is final. You can't undo it. Today's family farm may be a housing development, highway or industrial site decades from now. Your yard won't be yours when another family buys the homestead. Instead, consider a partial scattering. Keep some of the 'cremains' for a permanent memorial site. "Gee, I didn't know we could do that …"
Of course, I've heard that seniment from so many men, it's amazing. All our lives, we love and cherish our dads, granddads, brothers, husbands and uncles. Why do they think when they're gone that we don't need them anymore?
It's always amazed me - people who express outrage over abandoned cemeteries and unkempt graveyards, yet discount the value of those same cemeteries for themselves. We are the history of future generations.
I can't tell you how often people seeking genealogy information stop in to find the gravesite of some distant relative. They are looking for PLACE, not online statistics. They want to know WHERE. They want photos of the memorial marker. They are looking for connection.
When September 11 happened, every family who lost a loved one in the attacks asked for something – even earth from the site – as a token and tribute of that lost life. They wanted ceremony; they needed some permanent tribute. It's the reason we, as a nation, created memorial sites at Ground Zero, the Pentagon and Shanksville. It's also why we visit places like the USS Arizona, Grant's Tomb and Graceland (to name a few). Just because you're not famous doesn't mean you're not important to more people than you realize.
We always advise families who choose cremation to make some decision about permanent placement. While emotions are raw, it often feels like keeping the urn close is a way to hang on to the departed. With time, however, the urn often moves from shelf to closet to … forgotten, until the next generation has to clean out the house. Now what?
We can help you answer those 'whats' and 'what ifs'. No obligation. Just conversation, information and compassion. Whether your final decision is Warren County Memorial Park or another cemetery, let's talk. ~ Ruth, Ed & Debbie
